Friends Forever

This was me over 20 years ago.  In fact, this the photo that my husband and I used in our announcements.  (I miss my auburn hair).  It makes me think of a story that Bruce C. Hafen tells about the bride-to-be who tells her mother on her wedding day that she’s at the end of her troubles and the mother, in her wisdom and experience responds, “Yes, but which end?”

We enter marriage with a degree of ignorance, particularly if it’s our first, but ignorance can be somewhat blissful.  But in any marriage the reality of life must inevitably set in.  Most often there will be differences of opinion, financial struggles, and other strains on our time and resources.  There may be disappointment, unemployment, sickness or even death said Lloyd Jones. 

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.

Most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.…

Life is like an old-time rail journey- delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.  The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.” (Deseret News, 12 June 1973.)

Twenty years ago, I would not have guessed the hardship that has come to me in my life, but I cannot deny that I have learned the most from my adversity. 

My first husband, Dave, (in the photo above) was a such a wonderful person.  He lived with integrity, lived and loved the gospel, worked hard, and always provided for our needs.  He and I saw eye-to-eye on many things and I knew we’d have a great marriage . . . . if we ever got to that point.

The arguing started during the engagement.  We were both oldest children and we were each accustomed to being in the right.  After one night, where we argued for the full 45 minute drive back from somewhere, I knew something had to change.  I determined to give the ring back and call it quits, but as I started to do so, the conversation changed.  We mentioned how we’d both been tempted to argue about so many unnecessary things.  One of us suggested that perhaps, Satan was attempting to ruin a good thing before it even got started.  That was when the Spirit filled the room.

To shorten the story, I kept my ring, and we were sealed 3 months later.  Our arguing decreased, but not by much.  Each of us wanted to be “right.”  It wasn’t until his 8-year-old brother declined the invitation to come visit because we fought too much, that I knew something needed to change.  I’m forever grateful for how candid he was with me on that day.  He may well have saved my marriage.

There is an amazing book (I recommend it to you, married or not) by Dr. John Gottman called “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”  In this book, he has discovered through years of research on marriage, that friendship and dealing with conflict in healthy ways are the keys to a happy and successful marriage.  I believe it’s true.

Now, I could delve into my second marriage at this point, but I will forego.  Suffice it to say, it ended in divorce and I believe that, in large measure, it’s because we didn’t focus enough on being friends and resolving conflict.  Spending time together wasn’t a priority and “issues” were repeatedly suppressed. 

Don’t suppress.  I had a friend once who said in essence, “You know who your real friends are.  They are the ones who will tell you about the booger in your nose, the button that is undone, or the toilet paper stuck to your shoe.  Others just watch you make a fool of yourself and do nothing about it.” 

Isn’t that the truth?  Those that love us are willing to do something that, although momentarily embarrassing, will save us greater embarrassment in the end.  That’s a friend.  That’s the kind of person that we want to be married to.

Did God design marriage as a refuge-a safe have- from a troubled world? Or did He design marriage as a laboratory where each of us could conduct daily experiments in gospel living? Or did he design marriage as a spiritual challenge course to humble us, stretch us, and refine us?

Yes to all of the above.  (Goddard)

In my first marriage, he was my friend.  He was my safe-haven, and he humbled me, stretched me and refined me.  But all of that was effective because, first and foremost, he was my friend.

Finally, I love this additional quote by Goddard,

“We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become.  Marriage is God’s graduate school for advanced training in Christian character.  Those truy succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives.”

All I can say to that is, Amen.

Marriage: Covenant or Contract?

I came across this fantastic article on marriage by Elder Bruce C. Hafen entitled “Covenant Marriage.”  I have read it before and every time I read it the message rings true.  Do we view our marriage as a contract that we are in for our own gain and as soon as we don’t get what we bargained for, we get out of it?  Or do we view our marriage contract as a covenant where obstacles are something that are to be overcome together, rather than a wedge to push you apart?  “… when troubles come to a covenant marriage,” says Elder Hafen, “the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

I don’t know about you, but if I were to consider hiring an employee, I would much rather hire someone that is willing to give me their all, rather than meet me part way.  Can you see why the one is much more meaningful? 

Elder David A. Bednar draws a parallel between a marriage and a triangle.  God is at the top and the husband and wife are at the other two corners, respectively.  As the husband and wife each work to draw closer to God, they naturally draw closer to each other.  The covenant relationship truly binds husband and wife together in both unity and love.

There are three problems or “wolves” as Elder Hafen refers to them that will sneak into our marriage if we’re not mindful.

•       Natural adversity
•       Imperfection
•       Excessive Individualism

I’d like to speak for a moment about the third:  excessive individualism.  Notice, first off, that they say excessive individualism.  It is important to realize that being an individual is necessary to a healthy marriage.  It is when we overemphasize our need for personal autonomy at the expense of those around us that things become unhealthy. Elder Haven points out,“Surely marriage partners must respect one another’s individual identity, and family members are neither slaves nor inanimate objects. But [the] fear, shared today by many, is that the bonds of kinship and marriage are not valuable ties that bind, but are, instead, sheer bondage. Ours is the age of the waning of belonging.”

How important it is to belong.  Don’t we all appreciate belonging to the Soccer team or the Luncheon club?  How about belonging to the church, our neighborhood, our schools?  We want to belong.  That is what provides for each of us a sense of security and that security is best found in stable marriages where belonging is key and excessive individualism does not exist.

In a BYU Idaho Devotional address, Jackie Nygaard discussed iterations. (Miriam-Webster describes it as a procedure in which repetition of a sequence of operations yields results successively closer to a desired result.)  Nygaard begins by discussing how iterations relate to interest on accounts, but then goes on to describe how iterations in our personal lives such as daily prayer, daily scripture study, etc. may seem small and insignificant from the day-to-day perspective, but can yield significant spiritual results.

Similarly, when we choose to focus daily upon our belonging, rather than our lack of it, we begin to feel results that are much closer to our desired result.  This principle can be applied to any aspect of marriage or family.  Say, “I love you,” “please” and “thank you” multiple times a day and you will find yourself more loving, more kind and more grateful.  Praise your spouse each day, and they’re more likely to become everything that you’ve hoped they’d be.

The Constitution: a Sword or a Shield?

"Our [Supreme Court] cases have consistently refused to allow litigants to convert the shield provided by constitutional liberties into a sword to demand positive entitlements from the State . . .” said Chief Justice Roberts. 

Chief Justice Roberts

"It is revealing that the majority’s position requires it to effectively overrule . . . the bounds of substantive due process. . . Nowhere is the majority’s extravagant conception of judicial supremacy more evident than in its description— and dismissal—of the public debate regarding same-sex marriage. . . Those who founded our country would not recognize the majority’s conception of the judicial role. They after all risked their lives and fortunes for the precious right to govern themselves. . . The Court’s accumulation of power does not occur in a vacuum. It comes at the expense of the people. And they know it. . ."

Alma 10: 27 And now behold, I say unto you, that the foundation of the destruction of this people is beginning to be laid by the unrighteousness of your lawyers and your judges.

Justice Roberts continued,

“If you are among the many Americans—of whatever sexual orientation—who favor expanding same-sex marriage, by all means celebrate today’s decision. . . . But do not celebrate the Constitution. It had nothing to do with it.
 

Those were some of the powerful words that Chief Justice Roberts used when describing the actions taken to bring about gay marriage through the unconstitutional legislation of the United States Supreme Court.  Did I mention that Justice Roberts dissented, as well as Justice Scalia and Justice Thomas.  (Find the syllabus and opinions of the court here).

I read the entire document.  Admittedly, it was easy to be persuaded by the arguments for legalizing homosexual marriage.  I have family members who had been affected by the inability to marry.  However, the decision made by the Supreme Court had little to do with homosexual marriage and everything to do with the democratic process.  Six of the nine Supreme Court Judges took it upon themselves to interpret the meaning of the Constitution, rather than perform their legal obligation of simply applying it.

Justice Scalia said,

Justice Scalia

"Today’s decree says that my Ruler, and the Ruler of 320 million Americans coast-to-coast, is a majority of the nine lawyers on the Supreme Court. The opinion in these cases is the furthest extension in fact— and the furthest extension one can even imagine—of the Court’s claimed power to create “liberties” that the Constitution and its Amendments neglect to mention. This practice of constitutional revision by an unelected committee of nine, always accompanied (as it is today) by extravagant praise of liberty, robs the People of the most important liberty they asserted in the Declaration of Independence and won in the Revolution of 1776: the freedom to govern themselves. . . A system of government that makes the People subordinate to a committee of nine unelected lawyers does not deserve to be called a democracy."

Finally, from Justice Thomas,

Justice Thomas

"By straying from the text of the Constitution, substantive due process exalts judges at the expense of the People from whom they derive their authority.

The majority’s inversion of the original meaning of liberty will likely cause collateral damage to other aspects of our constitutional order that protect liberty . . . [and] threatens the religious liberty our Nation has long sought to protect.

Our Constitution—like the Declaration of Independence before it—was predicated on a simple truth: One’s liberty, not to mention one’s dignity, was something to be shielded from—not provided by—the State. Today’s decision casts that truth aside. In its haste to reach a desired result, the majority misapplies a clause focused on “due process” to afford substantive rights, disregards the most plausible understanding of the “liberty” protected by that clause, and distorts the principles on which this Nation was founded. Its decision will have inestimable consequences for our Constitution and our society."

"We, the people of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America." 

The Constitution was established for us, but it is being torn to pieces by those claiming certain “liberties” that now override those found within it.  The democratic process is being overtaken by the minority and religious freedom and the traditional institution of marriage are under attack.

Elder Russell M. Nelson, in a commencement address to students at Brigham Young University, made many prophetic statements about marriage and the urgent need to fight to preserve it.  I encourage you to read the whole address here.  

President Russell M. Nelson

"One of the most important things we can do is set an example,

. . . during these perilous times, life will not be comfortable for true disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ.  But we will have his approval . . . as disciples, each of us will be put to the test . . . your individual strength of character is needed now more than ever before. . . The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian.

Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage.  We cannot yield.  History is not our judge.  A secular society is not our judge.  God is our judge!"

How important it is to remember these truths, particularly at a time when the fiber of our constitution is being altered and reframed, distorting truths and liberties that were previously held inviolate.  Elder Nelson goes on:

"The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel.

As disciples of the Lord you will stand as defenders of marriage.  And as you are true and faithful, not only will He help you and protect you, He will bless your families."

We have the promises of the Lord to uphold us and the powers of heaven to sustain us all as we work to defend the very organization of heaven- the family.

Our Family Minus One

My family is not "typical."  I married and had three children together before he passed away.  A couple of years later, I remarried and six years after that I divorced.  

When I am asked my marital status, I'm mostly confused.  
"Should I say widowed?"  I think to myself.  
"That is how I feel.  I have no financial support from my ex and I'm raising my children on my own . . . but, I was most recently divorced," I reason again.  
"Maybe I'm lying- or people will think I'm lying if I tell them I'm a widow.  After all, they don't really care about what you've been through, only where you're at."  Ugh.

Honestly, I don't just feel like a widow, but it's a much easier pill to swallow in the LDS culture.  Divorce, although increasingly common among LDS families, is still frowned upon.  You're still looked at as a failure, or at the very least you're a quitter. Hmmm.  I don't consider myself either.

I've been divorced for just over a year now.  It's been a tough year, but it's been good in so many ways. I've come to realize that I learned a great deal throughout both of my marriages and I've also learned a lot from my second marriage and the ensuing divorce.  I have the blessing to compare and contrast relationships in the context of two different marriages in a way that few others get to, and I get to learn from all of it . . . if I want to.  I get to grow and change because of it . . . if I want to.  

How much do I want to know?

I attended a conference earlier this week, and I realized once again, that I'm not alone in my divorce or my feelings of being judged. The important thing to remember is that what others think of you never matters as much as what you think of yourself.  Did you do the right thing?  

I know I did.

This is my beautiful family minus one.  Life isn't easy after divorce, but because I didn't divorce their father, life seems to be more . . . normal again.  There is us, just like it was after Dad died.  We're just . . . well . . . . . .  older.

"The time will come," prophesied President Spencer W. Kimball, "when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us."

As I begin this blog, I want to be clear on this one point:  I believe!  I believe in families and I believe they can be forever but as the father of the afflicted son plead with Christ, I cry out with my tears, "Lord, I believe! Help thou mine unbelief."