Marriage: Covenant or Contract?

I came across this fantastic article on marriage by Elder Bruce C. Hafen entitled “Covenant Marriage.”  I have read it before and every time I read it the message rings true.  Do we view our marriage as a contract that we are in for our own gain and as soon as we don’t get what we bargained for, we get out of it?  Or do we view our marriage contract as a covenant where obstacles are something that are to be overcome together, rather than a wedge to push you apart?  “… when troubles come to a covenant marriage,” says Elder Hafen, “the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

I don’t know about you, but if I were to consider hiring an employee, I would much rather hire someone that is willing to give me their all, rather than meet me part way.  Can you see why the one is much more meaningful? 

Elder David A. Bednar draws a parallel between a marriage and a triangle.  God is at the top and the husband and wife are at the other two corners, respectively.  As the husband and wife each work to draw closer to God, they naturally draw closer to each other.  The covenant relationship truly binds husband and wife together in both unity and love.

There are three problems or “wolves” as Elder Hafen refers to them that will sneak into our marriage if we’re not mindful.

•       Natural adversity
•       Imperfection
•       Excessive Individualism

I’d like to speak for a moment about the third:  excessive individualism.  Notice, first off, that they say excessive individualism.  It is important to realize that being an individual is necessary to a healthy marriage.  It is when we overemphasize our need for personal autonomy at the expense of those around us that things become unhealthy. Elder Haven points out,“Surely marriage partners must respect one another’s individual identity, and family members are neither slaves nor inanimate objects. But [the] fear, shared today by many, is that the bonds of kinship and marriage are not valuable ties that bind, but are, instead, sheer bondage. Ours is the age of the waning of belonging.”

How important it is to belong.  Don’t we all appreciate belonging to the Soccer team or the Luncheon club?  How about belonging to the church, our neighborhood, our schools?  We want to belong.  That is what provides for each of us a sense of security and that security is best found in stable marriages where belonging is key and excessive individualism does not exist.

In a BYU Idaho Devotional address, Jackie Nygaard discussed iterations. (Miriam-Webster describes it as a procedure in which repetition of a sequence of operations yields results successively closer to a desired result.)  Nygaard begins by discussing how iterations relate to interest on accounts, but then goes on to describe how iterations in our personal lives such as daily prayer, daily scripture study, etc. may seem small and insignificant from the day-to-day perspective, but can yield significant spiritual results.

Similarly, when we choose to focus daily upon our belonging, rather than our lack of it, we begin to feel results that are much closer to our desired result.  This principle can be applied to any aspect of marriage or family.  Say, “I love you,” “please” and “thank you” multiple times a day and you will find yourself more loving, more kind and more grateful.  Praise your spouse each day, and they’re more likely to become everything that you’ve hoped they’d be.