Friends Forever

This was me over 20 years ago.  In fact, this the photo that my husband and I used in our announcements.  (I miss my auburn hair).  It makes me think of a story that Bruce C. Hafen tells about the bride-to-be who tells her mother on her wedding day that she’s at the end of her troubles and the mother, in her wisdom and experience responds, “Yes, but which end?”

We enter marriage with a degree of ignorance, particularly if it’s our first, but ignorance can be somewhat blissful.  But in any marriage the reality of life must inevitably set in.  Most often there will be differences of opinion, financial struggles, and other strains on our time and resources.  There may be disappointment, unemployment, sickness or even death said Lloyd Jones. 

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.

Most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.…

Life is like an old-time rail journey- delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.  The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.” (Deseret News, 12 June 1973.)

Twenty years ago, I would not have guessed the hardship that has come to me in my life, but I cannot deny that I have learned the most from my adversity. 

My first husband, Dave, (in the photo above) was a such a wonderful person.  He lived with integrity, lived and loved the gospel, worked hard, and always provided for our needs.  He and I saw eye-to-eye on many things and I knew we’d have a great marriage . . . . if we ever got to that point.

The arguing started during the engagement.  We were both oldest children and we were each accustomed to being in the right.  After one night, where we argued for the full 45 minute drive back from somewhere, I knew something had to change.  I determined to give the ring back and call it quits, but as I started to do so, the conversation changed.  We mentioned how we’d both been tempted to argue about so many unnecessary things.  One of us suggested that perhaps, Satan was attempting to ruin a good thing before it even got started.  That was when the Spirit filled the room.

To shorten the story, I kept my ring, and we were sealed 3 months later.  Our arguing decreased, but not by much.  Each of us wanted to be “right.”  It wasn’t until his 8-year-old brother declined the invitation to come visit because we fought too much, that I knew something needed to change.  I’m forever grateful for how candid he was with me on that day.  He may well have saved my marriage.

There is an amazing book (I recommend it to you, married or not) by Dr. John Gottman called “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”  In this book, he has discovered through years of research on marriage, that friendship and dealing with conflict in healthy ways are the keys to a happy and successful marriage.  I believe it’s true.

Now, I could delve into my second marriage at this point, but I will forego.  Suffice it to say, it ended in divorce and I believe that, in large measure, it’s because we didn’t focus enough on being friends and resolving conflict.  Spending time together wasn’t a priority and “issues” were repeatedly suppressed. 

Don’t suppress.  I had a friend once who said in essence, “You know who your real friends are.  They are the ones who will tell you about the booger in your nose, the button that is undone, or the toilet paper stuck to your shoe.  Others just watch you make a fool of yourself and do nothing about it.” 

Isn’t that the truth?  Those that love us are willing to do something that, although momentarily embarrassing, will save us greater embarrassment in the end.  That’s a friend.  That’s the kind of person that we want to be married to.

Did God design marriage as a refuge-a safe have- from a troubled world? Or did He design marriage as a laboratory where each of us could conduct daily experiments in gospel living? Or did he design marriage as a spiritual challenge course to humble us, stretch us, and refine us?

Yes to all of the above.  (Goddard)

In my first marriage, he was my friend.  He was my safe-haven, and he humbled me, stretched me and refined me.  But all of that was effective because, first and foremost, he was my friend.

Finally, I love this additional quote by Goddard,

“We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become.  Marriage is God’s graduate school for advanced training in Christian character.  Those truy succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives.”

All I can say to that is, Amen.