In becoming one. . .

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

-Ephesians 5:31

I would say that this commandment is one of the most difficult ones to adjust to when you’re married.  But, as indicated by Harper and Olsen, strong marriages aren’t found, they’re built.

In their book they describe something called Triangulation; when the relationship between a parent and a child is closer than the relationship between husband and wife.  To me, this would be more adequately described as strangulation.  It seems a quick way to put an end to an otherwise healthy marriage.  Don’t do it. Remember the scripture above.  Leave your parents and cleave to your spouse.

Here are three tips from the book, “Creating Healthy Ties With In-laws and Families.”

1.  When you ask for advice, counsel with someone or confide in someone, it should always be your spouse.

2.  Find your own home.  Don’t live with parents.

3.  If you do get counsel from someone outside your marriage, it should be discussed and considered together.

and I would add a 4^th

4.  Create your own marital identity.

One of the most difficult things in my early marriage was living 15 minutes from my in-laws and 4 hours from my parents.  We went over each week for Sunday dinner.  As a college student, dinner was always wonderful, but the conversation wasn’t.  It started out pleasant, but inevitably, they began poking fun at a characteristic or attribute of mine.  To me, their sarcasm wasn’t funny.  It was biting.  It hurt, and I had to endure the ridicule week after week.  I don’t recall whether my husband joined in or not, but I know he didn’t defend me.  After all, they were only being “funny.”

I’d often retreat to a room downstairs to cry.  I just couldn’t take it.  To me, it was torture.  My family was never this mean and condemning.  Or so I thought.

My family had a different way of expressing themselves.  They would seldom make sarcastic comments, they would just argue endlessly over little petty things.  There never seemed to be a bad time to argue.  My husband had to adjust to that environment. 

During our second year of marriage, we moved over 8 hours from each of our families and we learned to lean on each other for support.  There was no running home to mom or dad.  Make due or do without. We made due.

Eventually, I learned that my in-laws weren’t trying to hurt me, and my family’s arguing wasn’t angry, it’s just the way they were.  My husband and I had to both do a great deal of adapting.  We held on to the things we liked and we let go of the things we didn’t.  We worked diligently at creating our own family and our own culture.  It held pieces from each of our families, but most importantly, it was something we'd built together.

Don't Be Afraid to Break a Sweat

My husband came to me one day and said, “Even though I already knew what we were supposed to do, it was great that you wanted to find out for yourself.”  

I laughed it off, but I was irritated.  My husband didn’t feel that he needed to consult with me on something that affected the whole family because he was the patriarch.  Instead he “admired” my desire to find out for myself that what he’d decided was correct. I don't think that's the way the Lord wants things done. In my husband's defense, he was still learning what true companionship is.

I love these words for Henry B. Eyring, “Priesthood is about service, not servitude; compassion, not compulsion; caring, not control.”

Priesthood is about service.  Motherhood is about service and marriage is about team work.

I heard a quote just yesterday by Meg Johnson that reads, “Everything good is sprinkled with sweat.”

It is true!

All of the worthwhile things in life take effort- a lot of effort, and sometimes tears.  Marriage is at the top of that list.  It is worthwhile.  It is exalting, but you have to become familiar with the depths to reach the heights.  Man’s extremity is God’s opportunity. 

After a few years, my husband began to recognize that there was great value and wisdom in my counsel.  He eventually came to see that he generally fared better when we discussed a problem together.  He learned by trial and error that I actually knew what I was talking about a lot of the time!  The bumps in the road got smaller when we counseled together.

My husband and I never stopped working on our marriage and eventually, it became what we both wanted.  This objective wasn’t accomplished by holding fast to our own way of doing things.  It was accomplished as we both looked to the Lord for guidance, worked vigorously on our own faults, and never gave up on our marriage.  I can assure you that the Lord will bless those who aren’t afraid to break a sweat.

Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage

Sex . . .

In society, we are long past the “don’t talk about it” part of sex.  The problem now is that it’s fanaticized, falsified, exaggerated and dehumanized.  God has given to man the greatest power he has- that of procreation- and Satan has taken the opportunity to make light of it, to flaunt it and to destroy its sanctity.  It’s time we brought happiness back into the privacy of the bedroom.

According to S.E. Brotherson’s “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage” it is okay to read about sex and it’s okay to talk about sex.  It’s neither unmentionable nor sordid, but as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we sometimes look at it that way.

Consider these scriptures within the context of marital intimacy.

“The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth” (D&C 93:36), and “Pure knowledge … shall greatly enlarge the soul.” (D&C 121:42.) 

“The fulness of the earth is yours, … Yea, all things which come of the earth … are made for the benefit and the use of man. … And it pleaseth God that he hath given all these things unto man.” (D&C 59:16, 18, 20.) 

“The Spirit of truth … will guide you into all truth.” (John 16:13.)

For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receive not the gift? Behold, he rejoices not in that which is given unto him, neither rejoices in him who is the giver of the gift. (D&C 88:33.)

And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith. (D&C 88:118.)

I appreciate the sentiment expressed by S.E. Brotherson that we have a gospel stewardship with regard to sexual intimacy in marriage.  We must improve or enhance that which we have given, just as we have all other areas of our life.  I would submit that the bedroom should be one of the first places that we begin our work.

It is important to be willing to open ourselves up to our spouse.  We must be willing to discuss with one another those things which would be considered inappropriate to discuss with anyone else.  We must express ourselves in a way that is comfortable, open, and pleasing to one another.  Sexual intimacy helps reunify our commitment to our spouse.  It can be a beautiful expression of love, commitment and unity.

When searching for knowledge and understanding on this delicate subject, we must consider the source of our knowledge.  D&C 88 reminds us to seek our learning from the best books.  Use the Spirit as your guide when seeking for greater understanding.  Study the scriptures and the words of prophets and apostles within that context and I promise you that you will find guidance, and your marriage will be enriched.