In becoming one. . .

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

-Ephesians 5:31

I would say that this commandment is one of the most difficult ones to adjust to when you’re married.  But, as indicated by Harper and Olsen, strong marriages aren’t found, they’re built.

In their book they describe something called Triangulation; when the relationship between a parent and a child is closer than the relationship between husband and wife.  To me, this would be more adequately described as strangulation.  It seems a quick way to put an end to an otherwise healthy marriage.  Don’t do it. Remember the scripture above.  Leave your parents and cleave to your spouse.

Here are three tips from the book, “Creating Healthy Ties With In-laws and Families.”

1.  When you ask for advice, counsel with someone or confide in someone, it should always be your spouse.

2.  Find your own home.  Don’t live with parents.

3.  If you do get counsel from someone outside your marriage, it should be discussed and considered together.

and I would add a 4^th

4.  Create your own marital identity.

One of the most difficult things in my early marriage was living 15 minutes from my in-laws and 4 hours from my parents.  We went over each week for Sunday dinner.  As a college student, dinner was always wonderful, but the conversation wasn’t.  It started out pleasant, but inevitably, they began poking fun at a characteristic or attribute of mine.  To me, their sarcasm wasn’t funny.  It was biting.  It hurt, and I had to endure the ridicule week after week.  I don’t recall whether my husband joined in or not, but I know he didn’t defend me.  After all, they were only being “funny.”

I’d often retreat to a room downstairs to cry.  I just couldn’t take it.  To me, it was torture.  My family was never this mean and condemning.  Or so I thought.

My family had a different way of expressing themselves.  They would seldom make sarcastic comments, they would just argue endlessly over little petty things.  There never seemed to be a bad time to argue.  My husband had to adjust to that environment. 

During our second year of marriage, we moved over 8 hours from each of our families and we learned to lean on each other for support.  There was no running home to mom or dad.  Make due or do without. We made due.

Eventually, I learned that my in-laws weren’t trying to hurt me, and my family’s arguing wasn’t angry, it’s just the way they were.  My husband and I had to both do a great deal of adapting.  We held on to the things we liked and we let go of the things we didn’t.  We worked diligently at creating our own family and our own culture.  It held pieces from each of our families, but most importantly, it was something we'd built together.

Don't Be Afraid to Break a Sweat

My husband came to me one day and said, “Even though I already knew what we were supposed to do, it was great that you wanted to find out for yourself.”  

I laughed it off, but I was irritated.  My husband didn’t feel that he needed to consult with me on something that affected the whole family because he was the patriarch.  Instead he “admired” my desire to find out for myself that what he’d decided was correct. I don't think that's the way the Lord wants things done. In my husband's defense, he was still learning what true companionship is.

I love these words for Henry B. Eyring, “Priesthood is about service, not servitude; compassion, not compulsion; caring, not control.”

Priesthood is about service.  Motherhood is about service and marriage is about team work.

I heard a quote just yesterday by Meg Johnson that reads, “Everything good is sprinkled with sweat.”

It is true!

All of the worthwhile things in life take effort- a lot of effort, and sometimes tears.  Marriage is at the top of that list.  It is worthwhile.  It is exalting, but you have to become familiar with the depths to reach the heights.  Man’s extremity is God’s opportunity. 

After a few years, my husband began to recognize that there was great value and wisdom in my counsel.  He eventually came to see that he generally fared better when we discussed a problem together.  He learned by trial and error that I actually knew what I was talking about a lot of the time!  The bumps in the road got smaller when we counseled together.

My husband and I never stopped working on our marriage and eventually, it became what we both wanted.  This objective wasn’t accomplished by holding fast to our own way of doing things.  It was accomplished as we both looked to the Lord for guidance, worked vigorously on our own faults, and never gave up on our marriage.  I can assure you that the Lord will bless those who aren’t afraid to break a sweat.

Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage

Sex . . .

In society, we are long past the “don’t talk about it” part of sex.  The problem now is that it’s fanaticized, falsified, exaggerated and dehumanized.  God has given to man the greatest power he has- that of procreation- and Satan has taken the opportunity to make light of it, to flaunt it and to destroy its sanctity.  It’s time we brought happiness back into the privacy of the bedroom.

According to S.E. Brotherson’s “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage” it is okay to read about sex and it’s okay to talk about sex.  It’s neither unmentionable nor sordid, but as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we sometimes look at it that way.

Consider these scriptures within the context of marital intimacy.

“The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth” (D&C 93:36), and “Pure knowledge … shall greatly enlarge the soul.” (D&C 121:42.) 

“The fulness of the earth is yours, … Yea, all things which come of the earth … are made for the benefit and the use of man. … And it pleaseth God that he hath given all these things unto man.” (D&C 59:16, 18, 20.) 

“The Spirit of truth … will guide you into all truth.” (John 16:13.)

For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receive not the gift? Behold, he rejoices not in that which is given unto him, neither rejoices in him who is the giver of the gift. (D&C 88:33.)

And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith. (D&C 88:118.)

I appreciate the sentiment expressed by S.E. Brotherson that we have a gospel stewardship with regard to sexual intimacy in marriage.  We must improve or enhance that which we have given, just as we have all other areas of our life.  I would submit that the bedroom should be one of the first places that we begin our work.

It is important to be willing to open ourselves up to our spouse.  We must be willing to discuss with one another those things which would be considered inappropriate to discuss with anyone else.  We must express ourselves in a way that is comfortable, open, and pleasing to one another.  Sexual intimacy helps reunify our commitment to our spouse.  It can be a beautiful expression of love, commitment and unity.

When searching for knowledge and understanding on this delicate subject, we must consider the source of our knowledge.  D&C 88 reminds us to seek our learning from the best books.  Use the Spirit as your guide when seeking for greater understanding.  Study the scriptures and the words of prophets and apostles within that context and I promise you that you will find guidance, and your marriage will be enriched.

Acceptance is the Key to Change

I just finished reading, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD.  I have read a great many books in my life, but there are few that are worth re-reading, and even less that I would consider reading over and over again throughout my life, but this book is certainly one of them.  If you don’t have it yet, you should get it.  You can find it here.

Now that I have that off of my chest, let’s dive into the last chapter of the book: Charity. 

We all know that charity is the pure love of Christ.  We recognize that charity is the ideal for our lives, but do we truly implement charity in our marriages?  

First, let's consider this quote by C.S. Lewis,

When we marry and the honeymoon wears off, we come to see our spouse for who they truly are.  At that juncture, do we choose to judge and criticize, or do we choose to be accepting and kind?  “Charity,” says Goddard, “does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other . . . we will continue to be annoyed by our spouses unless we are humbled enough by our own limitations to call on heavenly grace.”

Ahh, grace.  There it is.  

Divine means of help or assistance. 

We were never meant to do it alone, even in marriage.  Especially not in marriage.

Elder Uctdorf teaches a great lesson in the story of Simon, the Pharisee.  

Outwardly, Simon seemed to be a good and upright man. He regularly checked off his to-do list of religious obligations: he kept the law, paid his tithing, observed the Sabbath, prayed daily, and went to the synagogue.

But while Jesus was with Simon, a woman approached, washed the Savior’s feet with her tears, and anointed His feet with fine oil.

Simon was not pleased with this display of worship, for he knew that this woman was a sinner. Simon thought that if Jesus didn’t know this, He must not be a prophet or He would not have let the woman touch him.

Perceiving his thoughts, Jesus turned to Simon and asked a question. “There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: … one owed five hundred pence, … the other fifty.

“And when they [both] had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?”

Simon answered that it was the one who was forgiven the most.

Then Jesus taught a profound lesson: “Seest thou this woman? … Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.”²⁴

Which of these two people are we most like?

Are we like Simon? Are we confident and comfortable in our good deeds, trusting in our own righteousness? Are we perhaps a little impatient with [our partner] who [is] not living up to our standards? Are we on autopilot, going through the motions, [married in name only] attending our meetings, yawning through Gospel Doctrine class, and perhaps checking our cell phones during sacrament service?

Or are we like this woman, who thought she was completely and hopelessly lost because of sin? [Do you view yourself as an imperfect spouse?]

Do we love much?

In every situation, we have the option of responding like Simon or like Christ.  Are we disgusted with what we see, or do we see the love and the righteous intent?

Marvin J. Ashton taught, “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.  Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.”

Goddard continues, “Charity comes only when we humbly recognize the weakness of our mortal natures and throw ourselves on the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah.”

Have you ever had a time when someone extended grace to you when you weren’t deserving?  Has your spouse ever responded with kindness and charity when you were less than deserving?  Charity softens us.  It guides us gently into change. 

One of the greatest secrets to changing someone is this.  Learn to love and accept them for exactly who they are right now, faults and all.  Once you truly do this, love will cause them to change.  Not you.  Love.  That is the force that makes the world go ‘round.  Unconditional acceptance is the key to change.

Forgiveness is Divine

[Satan’s] strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29; emphasis added). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers.

My second husband had been divorced and he and his first wife had one child together.  I was fairly naïve to divorce, and thought that she and I would take a few casual trips to the park and let the children play while we got to know one another.  I quickly realized how inaccurate my assumptions had been.  The first time I met her, she thrust her son (who was almost 8) behind her as if she was protecting him from a firing squad.  I was shocked at her response.  Not too long after my marriage, she started throwing around slanderous accusations about my children and out came the momma bear.  I was livid.  How dare she?  She didn’t even know me or my children!  Why was she trying to ruin my life?

I stewed over this for months.  I didn’t sleep at night.  I had nightmares night after night until finally, I realized that my feelings toward this woman and this situation were keeping me from my Savior.  I was allowing anger to dominate my life. 

It is interesting that, in Alma, when Zarahemna is trying to control the Lamanites, he stirs them to anger against the Nephites.  Anger demonstrates a lack of control.  Have you ever said, “I lost my temper” or “’they made me mad!”  Elder Lynn G. Robbins reminds us that, “This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!”

To argue this point further, one might ask why we can maintain our composure in front of our peers when we are attacked, but if we’re attacked at home, we lose our cool.  We do have the ability to choose.

Elder Robbins goes further, “To those who say, “But I can’t help myself,” author William Wilbanks responds: ‘Nonsense.’ ‘Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,’ are all learned strategies in dealing with anger.”

I had an epiphany one day.  I realized that if I died and went to be judged, my anger, my malice would be keeping me from my Savior, not the one who offended me.  So, I prayed for the ability to forgive, and eventually it came along with the peace that I’d been seeking.

Humility vs. Pride

Often it takes great humility to make a marriage work; to make a family work.  When we are more focused upon being right than upon doing what is right, we are caught in the trap of pride.  It can happen to the best of us.

A few years back, I found myself in a marriage that I didn’t feel I was deserving of.  The words of Jonathan Haidt rang true, “Each of us thinks we see the world directly, as it really is.  If [others] don’t agree, it follows either that they have not yet been exposed to the relevant facts or else that they are blinded by their interests and ideologies . . . Everyone is influenced by ideology and self-interest.  Except for me.  I see things as they are.”

True.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Or could I?

In my marriage, I felt that I saw things as they really were, and my spouse had a distorted view of almost everything.  I saw my experiences through the lense of my own hurt and disappointment. 

I called my best friend up to tell her that I wanted out of my marriage.  I felt I had built up a case with sufficient evidence to justify a divorce.  (As if that’s the way it really works).  After all, I’d been building the case for almost 9 months.  That is when she gave me her advice. “Work on you.  Work on yourself for the next year.”

Once I got over the initial shock of her statement, I had to admit my gratitude for this friend.  I went to her because I knew she would tell me exactly what I needed to hear, and she did.  It was time to swallow my pride.

I took her words to heart and went to work.  I began working on myself.  It began with the Pathway program, which increased my spirituality in many significant ways.  My scripture study became steady and consistent.  I stretched myself and made friends.  Once Pathway ended, I transitioned to BYU Idaho as a student, following the prompting to work toward a degree in Marriage and Family.  To be more socially involved, I joined a women’s chorus.  I began to live again and I was finding happiness in little ways.  My husband and I enrolled in self-improvement courses.  I started meeting with a counselor, and I worked diligently to implement all that I had learned into my life.  The Lord was changing me into a better person, and I was loving it.

“Humility,” says Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, “is the friend of truth. In order to be saved, we must stop trying to save ourselves by our own power.  We must turn ourselves over to Christ completely.”  President Ezra Taft Benson teaches that “God will have a humble people.  Either we can choose to be humble or we can compelled to be humble.” 

My husband did not like my improving.  He became resentful of the changes, and we ultimately divorced, but only after I had done all within my power to change for the better. I would have a clear conscience before the Lord.

Although life’s circumstances have driven to my knees on many occasions, my sincere hope and my sincere prayer is that I will continue to seek humility in my own life by: receiving counsel and chastisement, forgiving, serving, going on missions, going to the temple, confessing and forsaking my sins, submitting to God’s will and putting Him first in my life. I know that these actions will lead to a happier family and a more joyful and fulfilling life. 

If at first you don't succeed . . .

 If at first you don’t succeed . . . it’s okay.  That’s what eternity is for.

I have had to take a step back from my life on occasion and see it for what it is. 

Real.     Raw.     Imperfect. 

I am the same way.

Growing up, my favorite show was “Mary Poppins.”  She was beautiful, she dressed well and had an amazing voice.  She was “practically perfect in every way.”  Growing up, I longed to be the same.  I believed that if I gave the impression of being perfect, then the rest of my life would follow suit.  It wasn’t until years later that I realized I was being a hypocrite.

When I was in college shortly after high school, I came across a quote by President Ezra T. Benson that taught “when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives.”  It was time for me to stop striving to appear perfect and start putting God first.  I wanted everything to fall into place- or out of my life, and it did.

Within a couple of years, I found myself married to a wonderful man and we had begun our lives together.  My husband and I were both the oldest children and we were butting heads.  We needed someone else to solve our problems.  It was once again time to put God first. 

According to H. Wallace Goddard, “Marriage is full of tempests in teapots . . . over time we transform irritations into evils.  With time we come to think of our partners as disappointments or failures.”  What creeps in is pride.  Our way or no way.

If Satan can keep us focused upon ourselves and our own personal way of doing things, then he keeps us from looking up to the Lord for the guidance that we truly need to help our marriages to endure.  We need to look up and follow the counsel that He provides.  “Too often,” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland reminds us, “too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe us.”  I cannot think of a better description of marriage.

Isn’t marriage the one thing that will exalt us?  Isn’t your spouse someone who can soothe you when the storms of life are raging?  We must turn to each other for relief and support.

In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottman reminds us how important it is to turn toward our spouse.  “Real-life romance is . . . kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life” says Gottman. 

. . . be aware of just how crucial those mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level but to its ongoing sense of romance. . . being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.

It’s true! 

My husband and I had the opportunity to go on a cruise to Alaska once.  Another time we went to Hawaii.  They were wonderful experiences and it was great to get away, but some of my most meaningful memories were made in the small moments. 

They’re the Sunday walks together when we would talk about life and dream about our future, the afternoons spent sitting out on the porch after a hard day working together in the yard, or cuddling together on the couch while we watched our favorite sit com.  That was life, and I loved it!

Gordon B. Hinkley reminded us that “life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”  Taking advantage of the opportunity to turn toward your spouse in the little things demonstrates your love for them.  Taking the opportunity to put the Lord first brings peace into your marriage and allows you to overlook their imperfections. 

After all, none of us is perfect, or practically perfect, for that matter.  And if at first you don’t succeed at these things, just keep trying.  That is what eternity is for.