Acceptance is the Key to Change

I just finished reading, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD.  I have read a great many books in my life, but there are few that are worth re-reading, and even less that I would consider reading over and over again throughout my life, but this book is certainly one of them.  If you don’t have it yet, you should get it.  You can find it here.

Now that I have that off of my chest, let’s dive into the last chapter of the book: Charity. 

We all know that charity is the pure love of Christ.  We recognize that charity is the ideal for our lives, but do we truly implement charity in our marriages?  

First, let's consider this quote by C.S. Lewis,

When we marry and the honeymoon wears off, we come to see our spouse for who they truly are.  At that juncture, do we choose to judge and criticize, or do we choose to be accepting and kind?  “Charity,” says Goddard, “does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other . . . we will continue to be annoyed by our spouses unless we are humbled enough by our own limitations to call on heavenly grace.”

Ahh, grace.  There it is.  

Divine means of help or assistance. 

We were never meant to do it alone, even in marriage.  Especially not in marriage.

Elder Uctdorf teaches a great lesson in the story of Simon, the Pharisee.  

Outwardly, Simon seemed to be a good and upright man. He regularly checked off his to-do list of religious obligations: he kept the law, paid his tithing, observed the Sabbath, prayed daily, and went to the synagogue.

But while Jesus was with Simon, a woman approached, washed the Savior’s feet with her tears, and anointed His feet with fine oil.

Simon was not pleased with this display of worship, for he knew that this woman was a sinner. Simon thought that if Jesus didn’t know this, He must not be a prophet or He would not have let the woman touch him.

Perceiving his thoughts, Jesus turned to Simon and asked a question. “There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: … one owed five hundred pence, … the other fifty.

“And when they [both] had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?”

Simon answered that it was the one who was forgiven the most.

Then Jesus taught a profound lesson: “Seest thou this woman? … Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.”²⁴

Which of these two people are we most like?

Are we like Simon? Are we confident and comfortable in our good deeds, trusting in our own righteousness? Are we perhaps a little impatient with [our partner] who [is] not living up to our standards? Are we on autopilot, going through the motions, [married in name only] attending our meetings, yawning through Gospel Doctrine class, and perhaps checking our cell phones during sacrament service?

Or are we like this woman, who thought she was completely and hopelessly lost because of sin? [Do you view yourself as an imperfect spouse?]

Do we love much?

In every situation, we have the option of responding like Simon or like Christ.  Are we disgusted with what we see, or do we see the love and the righteous intent?

Marvin J. Ashton taught, “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.  Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.”

Goddard continues, “Charity comes only when we humbly recognize the weakness of our mortal natures and throw ourselves on the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah.”

Have you ever had a time when someone extended grace to you when you weren’t deserving?  Has your spouse ever responded with kindness and charity when you were less than deserving?  Charity softens us.  It guides us gently into change. 

One of the greatest secrets to changing someone is this.  Learn to love and accept them for exactly who they are right now, faults and all.  Once you truly do this, love will cause them to change.  Not you.  Love.  That is the force that makes the world go ‘round.  Unconditional acceptance is the key to change.