In becoming one. . .

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

-Ephesians 5:31

I would say that this commandment is one of the most difficult ones to adjust to when you’re married.  But, as indicated by Harper and Olsen, strong marriages aren’t found, they’re built.

In their book they describe something called Triangulation; when the relationship between a parent and a child is closer than the relationship between husband and wife.  To me, this would be more adequately described as strangulation.  It seems a quick way to put an end to an otherwise healthy marriage.  Don’t do it. Remember the scripture above.  Leave your parents and cleave to your spouse.

Here are three tips from the book, “Creating Healthy Ties With In-laws and Families.”

1.  When you ask for advice, counsel with someone or confide in someone, it should always be your spouse.

2.  Find your own home.  Don’t live with parents.

3.  If you do get counsel from someone outside your marriage, it should be discussed and considered together.

and I would add a 4^th

4.  Create your own marital identity.

One of the most difficult things in my early marriage was living 15 minutes from my in-laws and 4 hours from my parents.  We went over each week for Sunday dinner.  As a college student, dinner was always wonderful, but the conversation wasn’t.  It started out pleasant, but inevitably, they began poking fun at a characteristic or attribute of mine.  To me, their sarcasm wasn’t funny.  It was biting.  It hurt, and I had to endure the ridicule week after week.  I don’t recall whether my husband joined in or not, but I know he didn’t defend me.  After all, they were only being “funny.”

I’d often retreat to a room downstairs to cry.  I just couldn’t take it.  To me, it was torture.  My family was never this mean and condemning.  Or so I thought.

My family had a different way of expressing themselves.  They would seldom make sarcastic comments, they would just argue endlessly over little petty things.  There never seemed to be a bad time to argue.  My husband had to adjust to that environment. 

During our second year of marriage, we moved over 8 hours from each of our families and we learned to lean on each other for support.  There was no running home to mom or dad.  Make due or do without. We made due.

Eventually, I learned that my in-laws weren’t trying to hurt me, and my family’s arguing wasn’t angry, it’s just the way they were.  My husband and I had to both do a great deal of adapting.  We held on to the things we liked and we let go of the things we didn’t.  We worked diligently at creating our own family and our own culture.  It held pieces from each of our families, but most importantly, it was something we'd built together.